Sometimes I Don’t Know Why I Bother…

If I went and saw every film in 2006, there would probably be much worse films than the ones on this list. Those are throwaway films anyway. Films that only people with brain damage would go see. A list like that would be boring and obvious.What hurts me more are films that I wanted to see that turned out horrible. Films that really had promise. Those are the ones that let me down on a personal level, and those are the ones that are on my list. Each film below I went to the theatre to see, expecting to enjoy them at least a little bit. Boy, was I wrong.

I’m not sure if this list tells more about my naivete, or the films of 2006. I guess I’ll let the reader be the judge of that. Now, in order from least awful to most pitiful, I present my 2006 Bottom Five of the year!

I loved Lost in Translation and The Virgin Suicides, and a candy-pop biopic of the French queen seemed perfect for Sofia Coppola. The trailer was promising. I went in the theatre expecting a good film, but all I got was two hours of meaningless scenes. Sometimes the film felt like it would start getting good, but it just never did. The story was uncompelling, and the fresh pop feel I was expecting was nowhere to be found. Sofia Coppola is still a director who I admire, and I will still await her next film, even if it I do it a little less eagerly.

Coming off of the brilliant Haute Tension, I thought that Alexandre Aja would be able to turn the interesting source material into a slick horror film. He couldn’t do any worse than the original, right? Again, I was wrong. This film is nothing new. Just another stupid horror film. None of the talent Aja showed comes through in this. They even kept the stupid dog in the story! This film was worse than the original. At least Wes Craven’s was original.

What’s that in the sky? It’s bird… It’s a plane… It’s the worst Superman in a long line of horrible Supermen! I never understood the draw of Superman. He can’t be hurt. Lex Luthor is a stupid villain. This film brings absolutely nothing new to the character or to the film world in general. Not even that, but it has all the flair and style of an episode of Larry King Live. Lets just hope that this ends the Superhero genre, at least until Spiderman 3.

I saw the trailer for this film, and that was the main reason I wanted to see the movie. It looked fun. A lot of fun. An unofficial remake of Night of the Creeps, I was expecting an ode to the seventies and eighties splatter grindhouse flicks. All I got was horrid dialog, unimaginative creatures, and what was the worst-directed film of the year.Slugs! Slugs infecting brains! How can you mess it up! I wasn’t expecting cineMAH here… I was expecting a fun movie. I really should have known better this time, but unfortunately, I didn’t. The only redeeming thing about this movie is the poster which almost won an award last week.

M… Night… Shyamalan. Why do you have to be so modest? You should talk up your films more. After a masterpiece such as The Village, people will love to hear how you tore down the aristocracy at Disney, and risked your career on a fairy tale. It was promising at first. You can direct well, but you can’t keep the story straight. Your films have holes galore and fall apart very quickly. Stop trying to impress us with the plot. That’s not the most important thing in a film. Lady in a the Water is a prime example of all of these faults.But don’t worry! You career will be fine. After the success of The Sixth Sense, you will be able to make films for the rest of your life. No matter what horrible piece of trash you manage to think of, you can find money to get it made. Even if it is as senseless as Lady in a the Water.

LCD’s Response -

I don’t know why you bother either. You lost me with the first sentence of your first review. You loved Lost in Translation? The only thing Sofia Coppola is a perfect fit for these days is directing an epic film of me having the shits. Marie Antoinette was just two hours of random scenes? So it was just like Lost in Translation, which apparently you love? I’m sure it sucked, I’m just not sure why you’d be surprised. Sofia Coppola stepped in shit when she made The Virgin Suicides and has sucked ever since. She was even in The Phantom Menace for christ’s sweet sake! Spike Jonze was smart enough to divorce her and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before daddy Francis Ford disowns her. You should abandon her too Cinesthete, unless you’re really a glutton for punishment.

Sadly, I can’t really disagree with anything else on your list since I either agree with you (Superman Returns and The Hills Have Eyes) or I was smart enough to stay the hell away from them (everything else).