A tribute to Poop Turd Anderson

NOTE: If you read this head2head on April 1st and believed it, then I’m sorry. You have been tricked. Scammed. Punked. Rick-rolled. This was our idea of an April Fool’s joke. I of course am a huge fan of P.T. Anderson and LCD has no idea why I like his films. I think we each did a pretty decent job of impersonating the other, so for these reviews to be accurate just reverse them. I hope we didn’t scare you, and I hope you enjoyed our little joke!

A few years ago LCD dragged me to one his snooty art shows. When we got to it there was an exhibit of paintings by this guy that painted with feces. Yeah, that’s right. He literally just shit on a canvas and smeared it around. LCD started to talk about how “symbolic” and “intricate” the shit was, and how he wanted to have sex with the artist.

Recently, when we decided to write about writer/director P.T. Anderson, that story came to mind. When I watch a P.T. Anderson film, I am always reminded of diarrhea on a canvas, and LCD eating it up. How’s that for fucking symbolism?

My first run-in with Mr. Anderson (not the cool one from the matrix… who I could kick the crap out of by the way) was when I saw Boogie Nights. Now, I’m all for a movie filled with porn and naked titties so I was expecting to have a good time. But THREE HOURS LATER (yes, you heard me. THREE HOURS!!!), I had been bored to death… literally.

The whole movie was just people talking. Talking and walking around… for 3 hours! Not even the site of Mark Wahlburg’s comically small penis at the end was able to shock me back to life. And what was with that thing? It looked so fake. Like they attached a rancid monkey tail to his groin. I’m surprised LCD was taken in by it, give the amount of penis he’s examined up close.

Then one day LCD made me watch Magnolia. Suck-tas-tick. Another 3+ hour film. It looked promising during the intro, where P.T.Anderson spelled out how everything was going to tie together in the film, but then nothing did. 3 hours of more talking… and walking… and then fucking Frogs! And there weren’t any cool coincidences at all! Fucking frogs for gods sake! There wasn’t even any nudity, unless you wanted to see Tom Cruise in his underwear like LCD did.

I don’t even want to talk about Punch Drunk Love. Adam Sandler is my second favorite actor (behind Will Ferrell). I love all his movies. He is a real comedic talent. I thought maybe he would be able to tame P.T. Anderson and force him to make a good movie. I was wrong. I didn’t even watch the whole thing it was so bad. Adam Sandler dancing in a supermarket is just not funny. Now, if was dancing and knocking down old ladies in the process… then that would be funny.

Then, for god knows what reason, I went to see There Will Be Blood in the theater. Maybe I was tempted by the prospect of blood? Some good old fashioned shoot-em-up killing spree movie? Instead, I got what must be the worst movie P.T. Anderson, or anyone else for that matter, has ever made. 3 hours again! (do you see a pattern here?) No nudity. No action. Just some guys drilling for oil and talking and walking. Why it got so much acclaim, I know not.

I thought after making a few films, P.T. Anderson would have emptied his bowels of shit completely, but it looks like he is going strong. There must be 80 pounds of the stuff in his colon, ready to come out and smash onto poor theater screens across the country. P.T. Anderson is not an artist. He is the tubgirl of film. He is a pretentious blabbermouth that is not even worthy to watch 3 hours of film let alone subject others to do it. Why LCD likes him, I know not, but I’m sure their love for each other will last as long, and be as bloated, as one of the movies they both love so much