NOTE: If you read this head2head on April 1st and believed it, then I’m sorry. You have been tricked. Scammed. Punked. Rick-rolled. This was our idea of an April Fool’s joke. I of course am a huge fan of P.T. Anderson and LCD has no idea why I like his films. I think we each did a pretty decent job of impersonating the other, so for these reviews to be accurate just reverse them. I hope we didn’t scare you, and I hope you enjoyed our little joke!

A few years ago LCD dragged me to one his snooty art shows. When we got to it there was an exhibit of paintings by this guy that painted with feces. Yeah, that’s right. He literally just shit on a canvas and smeared it around. LCD started to talk about how “symbolic” and “intricate” the shit was, and how he wanted to have sex with the artist.

Recently, when we decided to write about writer/director P.T. Anderson, that story came to mind. When I watch a P.T. Anderson film, I am always reminded of diarrhea on a canvas, and LCD eating it up. How’s that for fucking symbolism?

My first run-in with Mr. Anderson (not the cool one from the matrix… who I could kick the crap out of by the way) was when I saw Boogie Nights. Now, I’m all for a movie filled with porn and naked titties so I was expecting to have a good time. But THREE HOURS LATER (yes, you heard me. THREE HOURS!!!), I had been bored to death… literally.

The whole movie was just people talking. Talking and walking around… for 3 hours! Not even the site of Mark Wahlburg’s comically small penis at the end was able to shock me back to life. And what was with that thing? It looked so fake. Like they attached a rancid monkey tail to his groin. I’m surprised LCD was taken in by it, give the amount of penis he’s examined up close.

Then one day LCD made me watch Magnolia. Suck-tas-tick. Another 3+ hour film. It looked promising during the intro, where P.T.Anderson spelled out how everything was going to tie together in the film, but then nothing did. 3 hours of more talking… and walking… and then fucking Frogs! And there weren’t any cool coincidences at all! Fucking frogs for gods sake! There wasn’t even any nudity, unless you wanted to see Tom Cruise in his underwear like LCD did.

I don’t even want to talk about Punch Drunk Love. Adam Sandler is my second favorite actor (behind Will Ferrell). I love all his movies. He is a real comedic talent. I thought maybe he would be able to tame P.T. Anderson and force him to make a good movie. I was wrong. I didn’t even watch the whole thing it was so bad. Adam Sandler dancing in a supermarket is just not funny. Now, if was dancing and knocking down old ladies in the process… then that would be funny.

Then, for god knows what reason, I went to see There Will Be Blood in the theater. Maybe I was tempted by the prospect of blood? Some good old fashioned shoot-em-up killing spree movie? Instead, I got what must be the worst movie P.T. Anderson, or anyone else for that matter, has ever made. 3 hours again! (do you see a pattern here?) No nudity. No action. Just some guys drilling for oil and talking and walking. Why it got so much acclaim, I know not.

I thought after making a few films, P.T. Anderson would have emptied his bowels of shit completely, but it looks like he is going strong. There must be 80 pounds of the stuff in his colon, ready to come out and smash onto poor theater screens across the country. P.T. Anderson is not an artist. He is the tubgirl of film. He is a pretentious blabbermouth that is not even worthy to watch 3 hours of film let alone subject others to do it. Why LCD likes him, I know not, but I’m sure their love for each other will last as long, and be as bloated, as one of the movies they both love so much

I’m still catching up with all the things that life has thrown at me since the film festival. Luckily, LCD has finally gotten it together and found five films that he liked in 2006. Now, I can post my list that I have had sitting here for awhile. It was good that I had some time to digest 2006. I was able to reflect on my choices, and I realized that I didn’t want to change any of them.

Without further adieu. I present my Top 5 films for 2006:

This was one of the most pleasant surprises for me this year. I had seen Da Ali G Show before and I enjoyed it, but I never thought that a Borat movie would be so good. I have probably never laughed so hard in a theater, and I probably won’t for a long time. It expertly blurs the line between fact and fiction, and keeps you entertained the whole time.What is more important about this film is how easily it exposes the racist, homophobic, chauvinistic underbelly of America. It is a shame that in this day and age there are people still around like that old man at the rodeo, or those frat guys in the van. I am glad they sued. It brings to light the fact that what they were saying was really what they were thinking, and not acting. I’m also glad they lost, and I hope that they realize what idiots they really are.To get back on topic, this film is a must-see commentary on our society. It captures what people are really thinking by giving them an outlet that they think no one will ever see. They were very wrong.

A film of an “un-filmable” novel, and boy did they do a great job. The story of Tristram Shandy involves him trying to tell the story of his birth. Along the way, he keeps getting sidetracked telling other stories of his life, and never ever completes the one he intended. This film involves some intrepid souls attempting to film the novel.The first portion is the actual film they are making, and then it drifts into what is happening on the set when the camera is not rolling. The film revolves around the actor playing Tristram Shandy (Steve Coogan), and that’s how the film shines. The story of the film and the making of the film start to parallel each other, and all the analysis and discussion applied to Tristram Shandy the character, can also be applied to the actors life. The scene where he changes his son’s diaper is a great example and really holds the film together.Besides the message about family and life and decisions and regrets, the film is very funny. Steve Coogan plays the role perfectly and the cast is rounded out quite nicely with some very effective comedic and dramatic roles. This film is a feast for anyone willing to jump in to something new, different, and wildly imaginative.

Just reading some quotes from this film gets me going. Film noir from top to bottom. In a high school. Written and directed by Rian Johnson, this is the story of a student who has to enter the seedy underworld of the school in order to figure out what happened to his ex-girlfriend. On paper this idea sounds horrible, but one look at the amazing trailer gives a tantalizing glimpse into what could be something great.And boy was it great. With verbal and visual style to spare, the movie weaves its screenplay in out and around a cast of great actors including Joseph Gordon-Levitt, fresh from his remarkable performance in Mysterious Skin. The best part of this movie is the dialog. Even though the people look like people and the school looks like a school, the dialog manages to completely take you to a different world. Using banter that feels like a cross between Mamet and Hamett to weave a story that keeps you guessing till the last second, Brick is a fresh and new take on classic genre.

I was waiting for this film for years. Requiem for a Dream came out in 2001, and after being blown away by that I had to see Darren Aranofsky’s next film. After being postponed for years, I was finally able to see The Fountain. Usually a wait that long sets me up for disappointment, but this film was all it could be and more.In only 90 minutes Aranofsky manages to tell three stories of love, devotion, and the quest for eternal life. A philosopher’s dream, this film can be interpreted in many different ways. Still, it holds up as a solid narrative with a genuinely heartwarming story. The soundtrack is great. The special effects (filmed entirely without CGI) are a wonder to behold and truly present the directors unique vision without calling attention to themselves.Hugh Jackman and Rachel Weisz, with three roles each, are excellent. Especially Jackman. For me, this was one of the best performances of the past few years. He really captured the torment of the husband with the dying wife, the devotion of the conquistador, and the calm Buddhist empathy of the futuristic traveller. Judging by some other reviews, this film is not for everyone. However, if you like good cinema, and crave something more than what film usually brings, then this is for you.

The Korean film Oldboy was one of the best films of last year, and one of the most intense in a very long time. Chan-wook Park had a lot to live up to when he attempted to complete his unconnected “Vengeance Trilogy” with this third and final film. Sympathy for Lady Vengeance is about, you guessed it, revenge. After being set-up by her ex-boss for murdering a child, Geum-ja Lee spends years in jail planning her revenge on him. This part plays out as expected, which, in the hands of Chan-Wook Park, is extremely impressive work. With the allies that Geum-ja makes in prison, she attempts to make right the wrongs that her boss (Oldboy’s Min-sik Choi) has done to her. She had to give up her child and years of her life, and all she wants is to get even. Her cold-hearted unstoppable drive can be felt in every frame, and heard in every note of the haunting soundtrack.Sounds pretty straight-forward, right? Not entirely. Eventually the film takes a turn in unexpected directions and explores the issue of revenge in a the most spectacular and morally awkward way possible. The last part of the movie is harsh and beautiful and really shows what Chan-wook Park is capable of. Pure cinematic genius. A very fitting and
thought-provoking finale to this ground-breaking trilogy. It still gives me chills.

LCD’s Response -

Playing it safe again, eh TC? Once again, you’ve managed to only pick movies I either agree with you on (Borat and Tristram Shandy) or shit I’ve never even heard of (the rest of these probable pieces of shit). You must fear my tongue lashings the same way that the ladies look forward to them (for those of you who don’t know, that’s a lot…for those of you who wish to find out, you know how to contact me). Seriously, you’re an American. Represent your country proudly. Get less culture!

If I went and saw every film in 2006, there would probably be much worse films than the ones on this list. Those are throwaway films anyway. Films that only people with brain damage would go see. A list like that would be boring and obvious.What hurts me more are films that I wanted to see that turned out horrible. Films that really had promise. Those are the ones that let me down on a personal level, and those are the ones that are on my list. Each film below I went to the theatre to see, expecting to enjoy them at least a little bit. Boy, was I wrong.

I’m not sure if this list tells more about my naivete, or the films of 2006. I guess I’ll let the reader be the judge of that. Now, in order from least awful to most pitiful, I present my 2006 Bottom Five of the year!

I loved Lost in Translation and The Virgin Suicides, and a candy-pop biopic of the French queen seemed perfect for Sofia Coppola. The trailer was promising. I went in the theatre expecting a good film, but all I got was two hours of meaningless scenes. Sometimes the film felt like it would start getting good, but it just never did. The story was uncompelling, and the fresh pop feel I was expecting was nowhere to be found. Sofia Coppola is still a director who I admire, and I will still await her next film, even if it I do it a little less eagerly.

Coming off of the brilliant Haute Tension, I thought that Alexandre Aja would be able to turn the interesting source material into a slick horror film. He couldn’t do any worse than the original, right? Again, I was wrong. This film is nothing new. Just another stupid horror film. None of the talent Aja showed comes through in this. They even kept the stupid dog in the story! This film was worse than the original. At least Wes Craven’s was original.

What’s that in the sky? It’s bird… It’s a plane… It’s the worst Superman in a long line of horrible Supermen! I never understood the draw of Superman. He can’t be hurt. Lex Luthor is a stupid villain. This film brings absolutely nothing new to the character or to the film world in general. Not even that, but it has all the flair and style of an episode of Larry King Live. Lets just hope that this ends the Superhero genre, at least until Spiderman 3.

I saw the trailer for this film, and that was the main reason I wanted to see the movie. It looked fun. A lot of fun. An unofficial remake of Night of the Creeps, I was expecting an ode to the seventies and eighties splatter grindhouse flicks. All I got was horrid dialog, unimaginative creatures, and what was the worst-directed film of the year.Slugs! Slugs infecting brains! How can you mess it up! I wasn’t expecting cineMAH here… I was expecting a fun movie. I really should have known better this time, but unfortunately, I didn’t. The only redeeming thing about this movie is the poster which almost won an award last week.

M… Night… Shyamalan. Why do you have to be so modest? You should talk up your films more. After a masterpiece such as The Village, people will love to hear how you tore down the aristocracy at Disney, and risked your career on a fairy tale. It was promising at first. You can direct well, but you can’t keep the story straight. Your films have holes galore and fall apart very quickly. Stop trying to impress us with the plot. That’s not the most important thing in a film. Lady in a the Water is a prime example of all of these faults.But don’t worry! You career will be fine. After the success of The Sixth Sense, you will be able to make films for the rest of your life. No matter what horrible piece of trash you manage to think of, you can find money to get it made. Even if it is as senseless as Lady in a the Water.

LCD’s Response -

I don’t know why you bother either. You lost me with the first sentence of your first review. You loved Lost in Translation? The only thing Sofia Coppola is a perfect fit for these days is directing an epic film of me having the shits. Marie Antoinette was just two hours of random scenes? So it was just like Lost in Translation, which apparently you love? I’m sure it sucked, I’m just not sure why you’d be surprised. Sofia Coppola stepped in shit when she made The Virgin Suicides and has sucked ever since. She was even in The Phantom Menace for christ’s sweet sake! Spike Jonze was smart enough to divorce her and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before daddy Francis Ford disowns her. You should abandon her too Cinesthete, unless you’re really a glutton for punishment.

Sadly, I can’t really disagree with anything else on your list since I either agree with you (Superman Returns and The Hills Have Eyes) or I was smart enough to stay the hell away from them (everything else).

2006 comes to a close, and Reelfriction is born again. What a better way to celebrate the two events then having a three part Head2head summarizing the years past films! The Reelfriction “Filmies” will be given out for several different categories, best and worst. LCD and I could not agree on the winners, so we each have our own. This three part event will culminate with a Head2head Top 5 of the year, so stay tuned!Enough about the rules. 2006 brought the promise of some great films. Unfortunately, most of them I didn’t see. I was quite busy, and since Reel Friction’s “web-hosting” company had gone the way of the dodo, there was no need (however much I wanted to), to keep up with great new cinema.

So many of you may say to yourself, “What of this film?” or “What of that film?” “Why aren’t they on his list?” Well, suffice it to say that I probably did not catch them yet. Either that, or I totally disagree with you. To find out which, just leave a comment below! And without further adieu, the Filmie goes to…

• Best - The Host - An old fashioned giant monster film with a modern twist. The poster shows a tiny glimpse of the creature, and that’s all that’s needed to show how good this movie might be. If its anything like Joon-ho Bong’s earlier films, we won’t be disappointed. Also, I love the exclamation points.
• Worst - Snakes on a Plane - First you see the tag line. Horrible. Then, you notice the lack of snakes. When your eye wanders over to the woman on the bottom, you wonder what in the word she is doing. Is that a karate stance? Then what’s with Samuel L. Jackson’s hand grabbing her? How unnatural does that look? Then you see the pilot getting ready to grab the woman and finally, you decide that maybe this film is not for you.

• Best - Brick - I had never heard anything about this film, and then I saw the trailer. It quickly went to the top of my must-see list. It shows how a great trailer can highlight a film without giving away anything of what makes the movie worth seeing.
• Worst - Bee Movie - Umm… what is this? Is this supposed to be for an animated film? This trailer is out a year before the film and it doesn’t make any sense. Its surprisingly unfunny even though it has Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock in it. Dreamworks is just preying on the mindless with this one.

• Best - Borat - In a year that had Jet Li’s final martial arts epic and Jackie Chan’s final Police Story film, I still had to go with the naked fight in Borat. I can’t believe the guts of those two actors to do that scene in their hotel room, let alone all through the hotel. When they burst in on that convention, I nearly died.
• Worst - Fearless - Jet Li’s final martial arts epic showed none of the flair that we see in Tai-chi Master or Once Upon a time in China. The final fight in the film is atrocious. It is anti-Jet Li. All we get to see is him puking all over himself. Where’s Yuen Wo Ping when you need him?

• Best - Brick, The Kingpin - He’s old… like 24. I won’t give anything way from this film. All I’ll say is that he is quite an interesting character. He’s not your standard run of the mill evil villain. Just look at where his office is.
• Worst - Slither, Grant Grant - Alien slugs invade his head and turn him into some sort of zombie. Not only that, but for some reason he starts turning into a big mess of tentacles and slime. It doesn’t make much sense, it’s not that scary, and it’s really not that funny either. What makes it worse is that it could have been good. Its a great big missed opportunity for a fun horror villain.

• Best - Sympathy for Lady Vengeance, Geum-ja Lee - Can Geam-Ja really be seen as a hero? She can just as easily be seen as a more heinous villain than those she does battle with. Hero or not, that is what makes this character, and film, so interesting.
• Worst - Superman Returns, Superman - How many times can we see this invincible alien save helpless humans? He’s predictable, and invincible. He’s never going to die, so where’s the danger? And don’t give me that “burden of power” stuff. Spiderman does it much better.

• Best - The Fountain, Hugh Jackman - He takes three completely different roles and plays them to stellar heights in this wonderful film. If you want to see range, check this one out. Hugh Jackman shows enough talent to make up for every other movie he’s ever been in.
• Worst - Lady in the Water, M. Night Shyamalan - I respect him for doing what he loves no matter how many people tell him to stay behind the camera. Still, it pains me to watch his films, and when I see him appear it pains me even more.

• Best - Children of Men, Alfonso Cuarón - Although the picture fell short of being great, the directing was masterful. The film looked incredible, and Caurón kept the pace moving and the tension high without letting the film fall into horrible action movie mode. One amazing shot towards the end of the film has the camara follow Clive Owen through a battle in a war-ravaged city for a good two minutes. A shot I will never forget.
• Worst - Slither, James Gunn - Following in the footsteps of Fred Dekker and David Cronenberg, James Gunn tries to throw his hat into the ring on the subject of zombie slug thing movies. Its pretty hard to mess up a premise with fun written all over it, but somehow this movie falls flat. No charm, no style. Nothing.

• Best - Brick, Rian Johnson - The bread and butter of any film noir is its screenplay. Not only does Brick have a great story, but the dialog is in a world of its own. Its amazing to hear and it takes the viewer to a place that no other film has been before. The most original movie of the year, and the screenplay is its best part.
• Worst - Lady in the Water, M. Night Shyamalan - This film has a great opening scene but it just goes downhill from there. The trademark Shyamalan twists are there, and they are making less and less sense. The story is full of holes and all the characters buy into things much too quickly. Shyamalan writes his scripts with the idea of inserting his big surprises, and that makes them suffer tremendously.

Congratulations to all winners! Please come back next week for the Reelfriction Filmies Top 5 Best of the Worst!

LCD’s Response -

Jesus Christ TC. I know you’re afraid of arousing my ire over the internet and all but seriously, how can you only put one choice down from a movie I bothered to see? I’ll answer my own question: because you’re an idiot who watches sucky movies and I would expect nothing less (more?) from you. At least we agreed on Superman sucking as a hero. As to the rest, I’ll just say that your lists are probably inverted.