NOTE: If you read this head2head on April 1st and believed it, then I’m sorry. You have been tricked. Scammed. Punked. Rick-rolled. This was our idea of an April Fool’s joke. I of course am a huge fan of P.T. Anderson and LCD has no idea why I like his films. I think we each did a pretty decent job of impersonating the other, so for these reviews to be accurate just reverse them. I hope we didn’t scare you, and I hope you enjoyed our little joke!

A few years ago LCD dragged me to one his snooty art shows. When we got to it there was an exhibit of paintings by this guy that painted with feces. Yeah, that’s right. He literally just shit on a canvas and smeared it around. LCD started to talk about how “symbolic” and “intricate” the shit was, and how he wanted to have sex with the artist.

Recently, when we decided to write about writer/director P.T. Anderson, that story came to mind. When I watch a P.T. Anderson film, I am always reminded of diarrhea on a canvas, and LCD eating it up. How’s that for fucking symbolism?

My first run-in with Mr. Anderson (not the cool one from the matrix… who I could kick the crap out of by the way) was when I saw Boogie Nights. Now, I’m all for a movie filled with porn and naked titties so I was expecting to have a good time. But THREE HOURS LATER (yes, you heard me. THREE HOURS!!!), I had been bored to death… literally.

The whole movie was just people talking. Talking and walking around… for 3 hours! Not even the site of Mark Wahlburg’s comically small penis at the end was able to shock me back to life. And what was with that thing? It looked so fake. Like they attached a rancid monkey tail to his groin. I’m surprised LCD was taken in by it, give the amount of penis he’s examined up close.

Then one day LCD made me watch Magnolia. Suck-tas-tick. Another 3+ hour film. It looked promising during the intro, where P.T.Anderson spelled out how everything was going to tie together in the film, but then nothing did. 3 hours of more talking… and walking… and then fucking Frogs! And there weren’t any cool coincidences at all! Fucking frogs for gods sake! There wasn’t even any nudity, unless you wanted to see Tom Cruise in his underwear like LCD did.

I don’t even want to talk about Punch Drunk Love. Adam Sandler is my second favorite actor (behind Will Ferrell). I love all his movies. He is a real comedic talent. I thought maybe he would be able to tame P.T. Anderson and force him to make a good movie. I was wrong. I didn’t even watch the whole thing it was so bad. Adam Sandler dancing in a supermarket is just not funny. Now, if was dancing and knocking down old ladies in the process… then that would be funny.

Then, for god knows what reason, I went to see There Will Be Blood in the theater. Maybe I was tempted by the prospect of blood? Some good old fashioned shoot-em-up killing spree movie? Instead, I got what must be the worst movie P.T. Anderson, or anyone else for that matter, has ever made. 3 hours again! (do you see a pattern here?) No nudity. No action. Just some guys drilling for oil and talking and walking. Why it got so much acclaim, I know not.

I thought after making a few films, P.T. Anderson would have emptied his bowels of shit completely, but it looks like he is going strong. There must be 80 pounds of the stuff in his colon, ready to come out and smash onto poor theater screens across the country. P.T. Anderson is not an artist. He is the tubgirl of film. He is a pretentious blabbermouth that is not even worthy to watch 3 hours of film let alone subject others to do it. Why LCD likes him, I know not, but I’m sure their love for each other will last as long, and be as bloated, as one of the movies they both love so much

Excitement! I am currently in Philadelphia attending the film festival for the next week and a half. They have a good line up this year. Musicals, film noir, Indian Cinema, Jackie Chan + Jet Li, and of course, Danger After Dark.

I just got back from the opening night film, Young@Heart. This is a documentary about a group of elderly men and women who perform concerts where they sing cover songs of modern rock and punk songs. Their average age is 80 years old. It follows the group as they prepare for a big concert. This includes learning tricky new songs, dealing with illness, and even coping with the passing of some of the members. Sad stuff at times. Inspirational at others.

I enjoyed myself at the screening, and I got to meet some of the chorus members which was really cool. The film itself was nothing special, but given such subject matter it is very hard not to make an enjoyable film with it. The plot description just screams “feel-good” movie, and overall it does deliver. It was a very safe choice for the opening night, but I am really looking forward to some more of the un-safe films that I have on my schedule.
Come back daily for my festival reviews!

Today I saw three films.

Shakey Gonzales’s Pistoleros told the story of the Copenhagen crime world in a Roshoman-esque style. A heist gone wrong, lots of colorful characters, and an interesting idea just don’t hold up. The direction was over the top and the script was lacking.

On the other hand, American Teen really blew me away. In many ways, it was the complete opposite of what I saw yesterday, Young@Heart. Where Young@Heart had an intriguing premise, American Teen did not. It tells the story of a group of teens (and the usual problems, dreams, etc, that teens have) during their senior year of high school.

Where Stephen Walker coasted through directing Young@Heart by using its endlessly appealing subject matter, Nanette Burstein directed American Teen in a skillful and intelligent style. The movie was a documentary, but it was structured like a film. There were no interviewers. The teens just went about their days and occasionally talked to the camera. Interspersed throughout were animated sequences of the teens dreams, fears, and desires. The whole thing had a very narrative, filmic feel. The problems experienced by these teenagers, even though we all heard them before, take on new life and meaning. This is a thoroughly engaging and entertaining documentary. Highly recommended.

On the other end of the spectrum lies Bad Biology. I’m sure most of you have heard of the director, Frank Henenlotter. He directed Basketcase, Frankenhooker, and Braindamage amongst others. This film is his newest and continues the tradition of bizarre, exploitative gross-out.

It tells the story of a girl who has some extra clitoris’s and some other strange biological absurdities. She enjoys having sex with men, killing them, and then minutes later giving birth to freak-babies which she immediately abandon. There is also a man who has a penis he can’t control that is growing bigger and bigger and is addicted to drugs.

It’s absurd stuff, and it has some interesting set-pieces. What can I say? It’s got lots of naked women, bloody humor, and a giant roving phallus. If you enjoy that sort of thing then you will love this film.

More to come tomorrow!

Today was the first big day of festival. Five films. I had an eclectic line up planned. I started the day off with Toe Tactic, a small indy American film. It was about a woman finding her way through life, while a group of animated animals played a game that altered things around her, leading the story in different directions. It played like a heavier, quirkier and less well-done version of Me and You and Everyone We Know. It was all just a little bit too quirky, but I give writer/director Emily Hubley points for trying something new.

A Stray Girlfriend came second. This slow, slice of life film from Argentina follows the main character after her boyfriend abandons her at the beginning of their seaside vacation. It was well directed, well acted, but ultimately lacking. I left the film feeling like it was missing a resolution. It just left me wanting more.

I saw a documentary called Join Us, which examined suburban religious cults and how they gather and control their followers. Interesting subject matter, but it was hard for me to connect with what was going on with these people. Although what they did and what happened to they was horrible, the film seemed to keep its distance. But it did remind me why I don’t like organized religion.

The first of the two best films for today was called I Just Didn’t Do it. From Japan, it was directed by Masayuki Suo (Shall We Dance?). The film was a nail-biting courtroom drama about a man convicted of molesting a woman on a crowded commuter train. He protests his innocence from the start, and could have gotten off with a slap on the wrist buy just saying he did it, but he refuses to give in.

The Japanese legal system is skewered in this film, and the apparently popular “groping” crime is used to show how easy it is for an innocent person to be found guilty. The bulk of the film follows the young man’s trial, and shows how hopeless the police and the prosecutors and the judges are making it for the guy to get a fair shake.

Well written, well directed, great performances all around, this 2.5 hour film just flew by. Intelligent and meaningful. A great combination.

The final film of the evening was an excellent retelling of a famous incident. Stuart Gordan directs Stuck, the story of a young nurse (Mena Suvari) who runs her car into a down-on-his-luck man (Stephen Rea) on her way home from her party one night.

Rather than do the sensible thing, she continues to drive home and leaves the poor man stuck in her windshield and the car parked in her garage. He is still alive, and doesn’t have enough energy to get himself out and get help. She then spends the next two days going to work and trying to figure out what to do.

What follows is a wild-ride of tense drama, comedy and gore as the man uses every survival tactic he can to save himself from this crazy girl who can’t seem to get herself together enough to do something about him. The final showdown is one for the books and had the audience screaming with laughter and horror. A great festival film and a great way to end the night. Catch it when you can!

Thats it for now. My posts may get more and more unintelligible as the festival goes on, so please forgive me.

Good night!