Film: Raw Deal
Role: Mark Kaminsky/Joseph P. Brenner
Favorite Line: You shouldn’t bake angry.
Preferred Alcoholic Accompaniment: Chicago Iced Tea – Take even parts Sambuca for the Italian mob, Vodka for the Polish side of Schwarzenegger (Kaminsky), Whiskey for his Irish side (Brennan), and Schnapps (any flavor) for Arnold’s Austria, shake them, and pour into a high ball glass. Fill with cola. Much like this film, all of the individual parts should be great, but when combined form a disgusting shitstorm of terribleness. Drink until you hate this drink as much as you hate this movie. Just kidding, don’t do that. You’ll die of Alcohol poisoning before this drink is worse than Raw Deal.
I would like to apologize for missing last week. I don’t have a real reason other than this movie really sucked (more on that momentarily) and I couldn’t get motivated to write anything about it. I had never seen Raw Deal and I was excited to see an early Schwarzenegger movie that I hadn’t been exposed to before. I couldn’t believe that a vintage Arnold film from 1986 could have escaped my attention for so long. It’s sandwiched between Commando and Predator, probably his two greatest movies. How bad could it be?
Raw Deal is the story of Mark Kaminsky, former FBI agent and current sheriff of East Bumblefuck deep in the state of Who Gives a Shit. Kaminsky’s work life is a mess as he appears to spend most of his time jaunting around dirt roads in his unmarked Sherrif’s jeep listening to rejected tracks from the Dukes of Hazard soundtrack and trying to set dudes on fire for trying to bang chicks by impersonating police officers. With a calm, even demeanor like that, it’s a wonder he was kicked out of the FBI for police brutality.
His home life is equally as dissatisfying as his wife, miserable with her move from New York City to East Bumblefuck, assails Arnold with baked goods. Obviously when Darren McGavin of A Christmas Story offers him the chance to redeem his FBI career by avenging McGavin’s son’s murder, Kaminsky jumps at the chance. He fakes his own death by blowing up his squad car and the local oil refinery, presumably the only source of employment in a 50 mile radius. Sure, he probably just bankrupted the entire town, but fuck those assholes and his wife who now presumably believes that he is dead! He’s going to Chicago!
Venturing forth to Chicago, he proceeds to infiltrate the local mob affiliate and very nearly has sex with an exceedingly mundane 80s lady before saying “Screw it” and just murdering everyone. This sounds like a pretty good movie, right? It could be, and it should be, but it’s not.
Raw Deal seems like Dino De Laurentiis saw Commando when it opened on October 4th, said “I want to make a movie just like that only really shitty!”, and they started filming Raw Deal two weeks later on October 19th. I can’t say that’s how everything happened for sure, but the the timeline works and the clumsy dialogue, nonexistant and nonsensical plot, and Arnold’s clearly mailed-in performance all make me want to believe this explanation. It’s simply too heartbreaking to believe that everyone was really trying their best and this is the diarrhea that came out.
This movie sucks and no one should ever watch it. Ever. But at least one great thing did come about because of Raw Deal so it’s hard to be really angry about it. This movie contributed to the bankruptcy of De Laurentiis, who was forced to sell the rights to Total Recall. Total Recall had originally cast Swayze in the lead roll despite Arnold expressing his interest in the role. De Laurentiis didn’t think Schwarzenegger would be right for the part. Can anyone imagine Swayze and his hungry eyes pirouetting around Mars? Awful.
Ok, that’s actually…pretty glorious
Tune in next week as I get back to watching awesome movies like Predator and maybe The Running Man. I’ll be back.