Neill Blomkamp, USA, 2009, 112 min.

District 9 was the tits!  It was absolutely awesome.   What’s this? A summer flick that has not only some sweet battle scenes, but also a plot  (what the?) and a theme(gasp!)?!?!  Don’t Peter Jackson and Neill Blomkamp realize that  it’s just a movie and as long as a bunch of shit blows up, the viewer won’t care if the actual plot of the movie is otherwise a festering pile of shit riddled with holes? The part of me that has been dying inside every summer with the proliferation of  stupid, unintelligible Michael Bay-ish summer shitfests (I’m looking at you, Transformers and G.I. Joe) rejoiced and was given hope that perhaps, somewhere around the corner, the summer blockbuster will return to its roots of awesomeness instead of continuing the ugly trend of films whose plot  exists solely to enable directors and demolitions experts to satiate their pornographic need for explosions.

The plot is relatively simple.  Thirty years ago approximately 1 million aliens became stranded on Earth in the city of Johannesburg, South Africa.  Unable to cope with vast cultural differences, the aliens were eventually relegated to their own separate slums just outside the city.  Presently there are closer to 1.8 million of the aliens, who are now called Prawn because of their relative resemblance to the sea creature.  Humans have yet to be able to find a happy balance with the creatures and, due in large part to public outcry, the prawn are to be evicted from their homes and moved to a new “settlement” 200km away from the city.

The movie begins the day before the prawn are scheduled to be evicted as Wikus Van Der Merwe leads a team in charge of serving the prawn their eviction notices.  During the process he is exposed to a substance that alters his genetic structure, making him the most sought after and valuable object in Johannesburg and forcing him to choose between fulfilling his own selfish human desires or helping the prawn.

Like I said, this movie is awesome.  The first half to three quarters of the movie is shot in a style very reminiscent of Cloverfield, only without the motion sickness inducing shakey-cam.  It’s an interesting way to tell the story and lends itself to a peculiar sense of intimacy with the characters.  Believe me, if even an emotionless shell like me feels connected with the characters on screen, the technique is doing it’s job. 

District 9 also does a great job of relaying its theme.  It certainly paints the human race in darker tones than most other films I can think of.  I was worried about the possibility of a heavy handed handling of message of the film due to it being set in South Africa and having obvious parallels to apartheid, but those fears proved to be unfounded.  While at certain points in the film there is literally not one likeable human character, I can’t say that any of the treatment the prawns received was historically inconsistent with the treatment experienced to this day by different minority groups around the globe.  Neill Blomkamp does an excellent job of creating sympathy for this race of seemingly unlikable aliens without stretching the boundaries of reality (well, you know, aside from having them here in the first place). 

District 9 rocks out with it’s immeasurably long cock out.  It is everything a summer action movie should be (even though it only cost $30 million to make).  The writing was tight, the characters were complex and the whole thing just flowed.  Nothing felt forced at all.  There was an actual causal relationship between the action sequences and other events in the film, it wasn’t just a bunch of “well, I’ve got a couple mill left in the budget, let’s blow some shit up!”. 

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask of a summer flick, do you?

Wachowski Brothers, USA, 2008, 135 min.

CinemaSodomy is our recurring feature where we force each other to watch films that we never would have otherwise.

This film has to be seen to be believed. It’s pure cinematic spectacle with a big heart. Too long and complicated for kids, and too colorful and fast for adults, this film got a bad rap. But look past the reviews and you’ll find a treasure trove of sights and sounds.

The Wachowski’s really outdid themselves. They created a film packed to the brim with detail. This is no slap-dash piece. You can really feel the care and attention put into every frame. The effects weave with the colorful story and characters to create a unique world. A world where the incredible images seen on the screen are entirely plausible. A world where heroes can come from humble beginnings to save the day. A world where the magic of cinema is fully realized like never before. I can confidently say that Speed Racer is the Wachowsky Brother’s best film to date.

-TC

TC had been raving about Speed Racer since the first time he saw it.  He kept telling me how awesome it was and how much he thought I would love it.  I had actually wanted to see it based on the Wachowski brothers’ work on The Matrix series, so I gleefully accepted it as my CinemaSodomy before he could think of some other subtitled piece of shit movie to torture me with. (Side note: I’m pretty sure TC doesn’t understand the underlying principles behind our CinemaSodomy feature.  It’s ok, we all know he’s a little slow).

After watching Speed Racer, one thing is certain: TC was terribly, terribly wrong on all counts.  Speed Racer is the story of a mildly retarded, yet oddly determined boy and his triumph over corporate megapowers through the sport of autoracing.  This movie was a carnival ride of suck.  Watching Speed Racer feels like accidentally taking psychedelics right before going into the circus.  It begins as a fun family outing.  It’s colorful, there’s some nifty music, a few hot chicks and some clowns!  Then somewhere in the middle of the show, you go into sensory overload.  The colors are too bright.  There’s a little too much motion and things stop making sense.  You’re completely discombobulated, unsure of where you are and just generally confused.  And, wait, why the hell are those bastard clowns trying to figure out how many of them can fit inside of YOU?

Yeah, that’s right.  The clowns are the Wachowski brothers and they’re blasting you in the butt without even asking permission.  Once you get past how cool all of the Mario Kart on crack cinematography looks, there really isn’t anything to this movie.  The talent is underutilized (seriously,you don’t make a movie with Christina Ricci and Susan Sarandon and give them a combined screentime of approximately 0:37 all-the-while dressing them in clothes that fail to accentuate their lady bits) and the story is downright laughable (the stock market is controlled by autoracing? really?).

Speed Racer looks pretty and that’s about it. It’s like that stunning girl you see at a party who, when you finally get up the nerve to go and talk to her, has the voice of Fran Drescher and all the social graces of a heavily medicated Anna Nicole Smith.  All looks and no substance.  I can only hope that next time TC picks something with subtitles so that when I inevitably find myself wishing for death, I can just drift off into fantasyland instead of watching a movie I can comprehend.

Jody Hill, USA, 2009, 86 minutes

Following in the footsteps of Kevin James’ Paul Blart: Mall Cop (and what a mighty fierce piece of shit that looked like), Observe and Report features Seth Rogen as Ronnie Barnhardt, a slightly mentally handicapped mall cop with delusions of grandeur in this comedy/drama/underdog story/ummmmm…..

Ok, seriously, I have no idea what the hell this movie was.  Watching Observe and Report was like watching a woman go through menopause.  There were more hot flashes and mood swings than I could possibly count.  It starts out as a comedy (I guess), became a man-against-the-world film, switched over to a drug movie and then ended on a triumphant man-against-the-world note.  It seemed like no one knew where they wanted the movie to go at all.

I have to wonder if the making of Paul Blart didn’t have some effect on the style and direction of Observe and Report.  Although I never saw Paul Blart (and good luck getting me to go to it.  The trailer was a failure of epic proportions, conjuring images of stupid humor only seen once before in the Love Guru trailer), it shares striking similarities with Observe and Report.  I mean, it’s not every day that a movie is released championing the protectors of retail consumers rights and both films were shot at about the same time (Paul Blart in March 2008 with Observe and Report following in April and May of 2008).  It’s probably just coincidental and wishful thinking on my part (I’m a huge fan of the previous Seth Rogen efforts), but I have to wonder if there wasn’t some worry of producing too similar a movie that lead to some last second script/story changes to Observe and Report in an effort to make a less similar film, at least stylistically.  I find it highly unlikely that the producing team could have been unaware of Paul Blart beforehand or would even be the least bit intimidated by a Kevin James effort, but it’s certainly a possible explanation for why the film was such a rudderless ship.

Although the movie suffers from multiple personality disorder debilitating enough to make Sybil jealous, I don’t think it was horrible.  I have a gut feeling I would like it much more after a second viewing, although I’m relatively sure it will never be anything spectacular.  It’s hard to give an opinion of a film when the advertising is so misleading.  This was like going to see Halloween and expecting to see a feel-good children’s movie.  I’m getting pretty tired of being manipulated so effectively by movie trailers.  This is the second time in a row I’ve gone to a movie expecting it to be one thing and having it be another.  Adventureland was a sweet surprise, Observe and Report was mystifying.  When I rule the world, the people responsible for creating misleading movie trailers will rue the day they produced these atrocities.

Burr Steers, USA, 2009, 102 min

17 Again is the story of Mike O’Donnell, a one-time high school basketball superstar who finds himself with two kids he barely knows and on the brink of divorce with his high school sweetheart.  He longs to relive his golden days and in supremely predictable cinematic fashion has his wish granted.  The rejuvinated and newly 17 again Mike O’Donnell makes the most of this second chance by enrolling in his children’s high school, where he gets to know his children, falls back in love with his wife, realizes how great his life was before and blah blah blah crap crap crap.

Listen, you’ve already seen this movie about a thousand times.  Sure, maybe Mr. Destiny didn’t have a very awkward incestuous love triangle.  Maybe  the girls in it weren’t as hot as the women in The Family Man.  Ultimately, however, it was the same movie.  It was fun in parts, but pointless and uninspired when you get right down to it.  There really isn’t much to say about it.  If you’ve seen the movies mentioned above or any of the countless other movies with a similar theme, you’ve seen this movie too.

<minor rant>

One last note: if you’re thinking of making a film, don’t have Lisa Beach and Sarah Katzman take care of the casting for you.  Seriously, could they have come up with a less likely pairing than Zac Efron and Matthew Perry for a youth-to-adult progression?  I mean, I’m sure Zac Efron is about to be the newest big star or something and Matthew Perry was, well, he was probably just sitting on his couch in his underwear at the time, but the look absolutely NOTHING like each other.  What’s the common thread, brown hair?  If I looked like Zac Efron as a teen and ended up looking like Matthew Perry, I’d be pretty pissed about how my life turned out too.  Thank God I’m much prettier than either of them and will be able to play both versions of myself when my biopic is finally unleashed upon the world.

</minor rant>

Well, I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m sick and tired of seeing my beautiful webpage soiled with all this green, pretentious writing.  It’s time I turn this petry dish of insightful fungus into a beautiful, blue lagoon of awesomeness.  This is the way God intended webpages to look when he made Al Gore invent the internets.

As every red-blooded American male knows (meaning that TC was of course totally unaware), today was opening day for Major League Baseball.  Yes, I am aware that the Phillies technically opened the season last night therefore making yesterday opening day, but seeing as how I hate them and all, I refuse to acknowledge it.  So far as opening days go, this one was exceptional as far as the LCD was concerned.  Seeing Philly get their asses handed to them by Derek Lowe was awesome, as was watching C.C. Sabathia implode in spectacular fashion for the Yankees.  Normally I only care about the Yankees the six times of the year when they play the Mets.  After the Yankees signed C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, however, all I heard was how the Mets would be lucky to come in 4th place if they played in the  mighty American League East instead of the basically minor leagues of the National League East division.  It was just wonderful to see them get raped by one of the worst teams in all of baseball on opening day with their new ace pitcher stinking it up on the hill.

And the Mets? What about the Mets?  They were beautiful.  Ok, so maybe they left a ton of men on base.  Maybe they were playing the lowly Cincinatti Reds.  But Daniel Murphy, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite players on the team, came through when it counted twice and Johann Santana was absolutely filthy on the mound, quickly regaining his late season form from last year after a somewhat shaky 1st inning.  The best part?  The bullpen was perfect.  After two seasons of watching the end of Mets games from the comfort of a warm tub, razor blades in hand, it was almost orgasmic to watch J.J. Putz and K-Rod come in and slam the door shut with ease.

But what am I blabbing on about? This ain’t a sports blog, it’s a film blog.  In order to commemorate what was just about the perfect first day of baseball, I’m going to talk about some of my favorite baseball movies of all-time.  These aren’t in any particular order and I’m definitely leaving off some classics (Field of Dreams, The Natural, Bad News Bears, and Eight Men Out, to name a few).  It’s not that I don’t also love those films, it’s just that I haven’t seen some of them in a long time and I wouldn’t want to deny you of my best efforts.  If I leave something off you want to see my opinion of, drop me a comment and assuming the Mets don’t implode at seasons end, I’ll be sure to review it during the playoffs.

So without further adieu, I present to you my take on some of my favorite baseball movies.

I’m normally pretty rabidly against women playing men’s sports and anything that encourages them to.  There’s a reason women have their own separate leagues: because they can’t compete with men athletically.  I don’t care what you PCers say, it’s absolutely true.  I don’t care if major league hitters can’t hit smoking hot Jennie Finch when she’s pitching underhand from 45 feet away and distracting them with her unbelievable hotness.  Women just don’t belong on the baseball diamond.

In the case of A League of Their Own, however, I can make an exception.   It’s the story of the first women’s professional baseball league,  formed during World War II.  While the men were off doing cooler things like killing Germans and blowing up Japan, the women did their duty by taking the men’s places on the baseball diamond. This movie had just about everything I look for in a film: hot chicks running around in skirts, sports and some minor child abuse to top it all off.  A League of Their Own was made when Madonna was still hot, as opposed to the  Skeletor facsimile she has become.  Geena Davis was enchanting with her boyish frame and elvish features.  And Tom Hanks was awesome as a former major leager turned alcoholic coach.

If I can stomach and even appreciate a movie about a bunch of skirts playing a man’s game, you know it’s awesome.

Bull Durham is loosely based on the life of Steve Dalkowski, perhaps the most famous baseball player to never make it to the majors.  He was probably the hardest throwing pitcher to ever play the game according to witness accounts, but he had absolutely no control.  I won’t go into his stat lines, but rest assured they are the stuff of legends.

Nuke LaLoosh, played by Tim Robbins, is Steve Dalkowski’s fictitious film doppelganger.  Kevin Costner plays Crash Davis, an aged player chasing the all-time minor league HR record brought in to the team to mentor LaLoosh.  Susan Sarandon completes the love triangle as Annie Savoy, Nuke’s sadistic cocktease of a muse and romantic interest for the both of them.  Bull Durham is really a story about male-bonding as Crash’s coaching along with a case of Sarandon-induced blue balls help Nuke reach a place Steve Dalkowski never could: the major leagues.

It’s a fun film.  Costner is great as the disgruntled, worn down mentor and Sarandon is equally impressive as a minor league baseball team groupie.  This is the film where Sarandon and Robbins met, thus beginning their, well, not marriage but whatever they call the time they spend together when they’re not making movies or getting arrested for political protesting.

Yes, I really am going to tell you that I’m a huge fan of Fever Pitch.  I don’t care if it has Jimmy Fallon in it or if it’s a pretty crappy romantic comedy from the Farrelly Brothers.  This movie belongs on any list of great baseball films because of the historical season it chronicles.  Only the most small-minded of Yankees fans (is there really any other kind? ZING!) can’t appreciate the miraculous comeback the Red Sox orchestrated in 2004.

That’s right, encapsulated within the walls of this otherwise sub-par romantic comedy is quite possibly the greatest sports story ever told.  Trailing the Yankees 3 games to none in the American League Championship Series, a deficit that had never been overcome in the history of Major League Baseball, the Boston Redsox rallied to win the series 4 games to 3 and advance to the World Series, which they also won by sweeping the St. Louis Cardinals.  This effectively ended the mythic “Curse of the Bambino”(if you don’t know what this is, just give up on life), an 86-year-old hex that had prevented the Red Sox from winning a World Series Championship.

The series against the Yankees was quite possibly the most dramatic series in the history of sports.  I’m sure one day volumes upon volumes will be written about all of the great moments, the extra-innings games, the gutsy performances on both sides.  Films aren’t going to be far behind.  But for now, we’ll have to make due with  Fever Pitch and Drew Barrymore looking insanely gorgeous with her fire-engine red hair.

Major League is just like the Bad News Bears all grown up.  A group of misfits and has beens is thrown together by a ruthless bitch of an owner in a bid to get the Majors to allow her to move the team to Miami.  The team, of course, discovers her evil plan and sets about winning their division to spite her.  You know, not for personal pride or anything.

This movie is just good, dirty fun (I’m not a big believer in the phrase  “good, clean fun”.  In my experience, the two hardly ever mix).  The star-studded cast includes Charlie Sheen, Corbin Bernsen, Tom Berenger, Rene Russo, Chelcie Ross, Wesley Snipes and Dennis Haysbert and all deliver memorable performances as quirky characters.  Major League isn’t poetry.  It isn’t great filmmaking.  But it’s a shitload of good times committed to film.

This movie makes my list from a purely nostalgic standpoint.  After his broken arm heals oddly, 12-year-old Henry Rowengartner (Thomas Ian Nicholas!) discovers that he can throw a fastball upwards of 103 miles per hour.  He is signed by the Chicago Cubs and becomes a star pitcher in the major leagues.

Pretty much, this movie is a piece of crap, but a 13-year-old LCD loved it and 29-year-old LCD carries on with the inexplicable love affair.  I spent days, weeks and months trying to convince my brothers to break my arm so I also could also skyrocket straight to stardom as a major league pitcher after I saw this movie.  Of course they wouldn’t oblige.  I could hardly believe it.  Years of unsolicited abuse and now, when I was finally literally asking for it, they wouldn’t so much as give me a charlie horse.  It was maddening.

I suppose it’s probably a good thing anyway.  Chances are I would never have thrown a pitch in the bigs and I most assuredly would never have starred in American Pie either.  But still, the world will never know what could have been.  And that is the biggest crime of all.

The Sandlot also makes this list mainly on the strength of its nostalgic value.  However, whereas Rookie of the Year is a festering pile of crap outside of my own personal memories, The Sandlot enjoys the benefit of actually being a pretty good movie.

Scott Smalls is the new kid in town.  Friendless and a total spaz(worse than TC, if you can believe that), he falls in with a group of baseball obsessed neighborhood kids who teach him everything they know about the game.  When he offers to play with his father’s Babe Ruth signed baseball and consequently loses it, they help him to retrieve it from the lair of the Beast, a legendary neighborhood dog with a supposed taste for human flesh.

This is a film about growing up, developing friendships and the naivete of youth.  It’s superb in its ability to bring you back to that level of innocence and remember what it’s like to be a pre-pubescent kid whose biggest problem is not knowing who the Great Bambino is.  Well, I’d imagine The Sandlot would be if in fact you were ever possessed of that level of innocence.  I was fortunate enough to have never been burdened with such inconvenient human trappings.

That just about sums up my short list of must-see baseball films.  It is by no means complete nor are any of them are great examples of the art of film, but all of them are more awesome than anything TC would parade out in front of you.  God, I hate him.