The Exhumed Films crew put on a great show at the International House in Philadelphia. Fourteen films including trailers, shorts, Vegan food, prizes, a horror art show, jack-o-lanterns and free cereal. It was pulled off almost flawlessly. All should be commended, from our hosts at the I-house to the guys at Exhumed to the incredible projectionist who made this plethora of strange films stocks appear in front of the audience for 24 hours straight.

As usual, the films were not revealed until they unspooled on the screen. The only hints we had were on the above film program. It turned out to be a good line-up with some classics, some oddities, and some incredibly strange fare.

I attended this with Chris at Fictum Scientia, so check out what he thought of the show over at his site.

Here are the films. Click on the clue for the titles:

#1 – Beloved (by some) horror/monster movie directed by a genre favorite

This film has the style right but gets to the climax of each story a bit too slowly. Still, it was a great way to start the show because it gave the audience a taste of few different things to start the evening.

#2 – Giant monster movie

These films blend together in my mind, but I find them all entertaining. This one was cool because Godzilla was a good guy and had a pet turtle.

#3 – Science/Fiction horror modern classic

A solid, solid film. The story is still relevant today and Jeff Goldblum does a great job in a crazy performance. The creature effects complete are second to none, and Howard Shore once again delivers an excellent score which really elevates the impact of the film. The birth scene is fantastic and is quintessential Cronenburg.

#4 – “Old School” gothic horror starring two genre favorites

It starts off like a slow Hammer Horror, but the story grew on me. It’s definitely atmospheric and the voodoo slant kept it fresh. All the grave-robbing, murder, mystery, and prostitution make for a fun time even if it is dry.

#5 – Slasher sequel that many people enjoy despite (or perhaps because of) its utter stupidity

For this one they just put a bunch of murderable characters together and have them killed off one-by-one without a real explanation. It doesn’t matter, because the murders are interesting and a young bald Corey Feldman goes slow-mo machete crazy at the end.

#6 – Definitely one of the weirdest, most gratuitous, bat-shit craziest films of the evening, if not of all time

I never heard of this film before, but the above description is correct. The summary doesn’t do it any justice, but here it goes: Unique vacationing characters go on a cruise and run afoul of a group of kidnappers who trade women for jade to monks who eat them in order to raise dead martial artists to do their bidding. Hilarious insanity ensues.

#7 – Stunning giallo from a mater of the genre. No, not that one…

I haven’t seen many of his films, but I tell you that this one was exceptionally well-shot. The story was a bit pedestrian, but it had a great mood and at least kept me guessing for a bit.

#8 – Sleazy, absurdist zombie movie guilty pleasure

Zombies arrive, and people run from them. It’s a straight forward premise without surprises, but it is non-stop zombie action. The ending is incredibly absurd and I have no idea how he got away with that. I think they just couldn’t figure out a good way to end it so they did it this way instead.

#9 – Verily! A sword-and-sandal epic unmatched in the annals of time!

Ham and cheese with extra Ham and extra Cheese! This follows the titular character and he goes on a mystical trip to Hades to find an artifact to cure his ailing wife. It’s a classic sword and sandal romp through magical lands, funny special effects, oily men and busty women.

#10 – Rarely screened thriller that is dark, brutal, and generally unpleasant. Starring a genre favorite

It is dark and unpleasant, but Udo gives an interesting performance as usual. There is far too much masturbation and lesbian-sex to make any sense, but when it doesn’t resort to soft-porn it is a predictable story with a good atmosphere.

#11 – Okay, remember how insane #6 was? And how you thought nothing could make less sense, or be more entertaining? Well, this movie may just have #6 beat on all counts. Seriously, poke that guy sitting next to you and wake his ass up. He’s not going to want to miss this

This is a rip-off of Terminator from Indonesia. Except instead of an unstoppable robot she is an unstoppable goddess of the sea bent on revenge. A few generations ago, after tearing off hundreds of men’s penis’s with her vagina, she was tricked into becoming a man’s wife when he gave her her first orgasm. So she cursed his great-granddaughter and hundreds of years later she inhabits the body of an American anthropologist in order track her down and kill her. Yes, it is as crazy as it sounds.

#12 – Nifty, creepy, and fun little horror movie starring no one you’ve ever heard of

Nuclear mutations in kids cause them to be able to kill their parents with a hug! The only thing that can stop them as the aging small-town sheriff. Luckily, he gets help from an excitable parent and together the figure out how to stop the children. Hint: It involves a sword, and that is what makes the movie fun. The blantant disregard for child safety. Otherwise, it is just a run of the mill zombie-like horror film.

#13 – Enjoyable “animals attack” film starring just about every genre favorite ever

Joe Dante directed this and John Sayles wrote it. With talent like that, you would expect them to produce the greatest killer-school-of-fish film there ever was. And by golly, I think they’ve done it!

#14 – Wow, what a surprise… the Horror-Thon ends with yet another zombie flick. Oh Exhumed Films, you are so predictable…

This is a horror classic for a reason. It’s gory, funny, and full of crazy scenes. It’s also based on stories by H.P. Lovecraft, solidly directed and wonderfully acted by Jeffrey Combs. It’s a shame he got type-casted in that role because he definitely has talent. This ended the festival on a high note.

So 11 days and 50 films later, here I sit trying to make sense of it all. There are a few great films, a few horrible films, and many in between. I’ll keep things short and give you a list of the ones worth seeking out. In no particular order:

• Not Quite Hollywood
• Goodbye Solo
• The Desert Within
• The Hurt Locker
• Burning Plain
• Rudo y Cursi
• Jury Duty
• The Joy of Singing
• Landscape #2
• Don’t Look Down
• Revanche
  

Only 11! Well, there were some other good films, but these stood above the rest.

As for me, I need a little break. I think I’ll take a week off before I post again. I have gorged myself and expurgated some rather slapdash reviews. These film festival binges are good ways to find diamonds in the rough, but I really need to get back to “Quality over Quantity” mode. Both in watching and reviewing films.  So next time you hear from me it will be with, hopefully, a more thoughtfully written and insightful entry.

In the meantime, I’m sure LCD will conjure up some remarkable prose for your reading enjoyment. Don’t be afraid. He’ll be gentle.

Tulpan – Sergey Dvortsevoy – Kazakhstan

A too realistic story of a young sheep-herder searching for a wife on the Kazakhstan steppe. Overlong and slow, the film revels in its realism to ill effect. Lots of shots of sheep and grazing and herding. Not much else. The emotion is ground away by the direction, and we are left with a predictable mess of a film that is hard to watch and even harder to like.

Julia – Érick Zonca – France

This english language film has Tilda Swinton hamming it up as a raging alcoholic on the brink of ruining her life when she decides to participate in a kidnapping. It’s a good performance, but her decisions are made with unclear motivations and the film goes in strange directions for too long. You get the point about half-way through, so the last hour is really just a glorified action film. It’s still an intense film with some solid direction.

Sita Sings the Blues – Nina Paley – USA

A beautifully stylized retelling of the Indian legend of Sita and Rama. It’s a cute little story told with humor and pinash. Unfortunately, the story really only has about 30 minutes of content. The film is stretched far too thin, with lots of unneeded additions padding it out to almost 90 minutes. Its unique and well-made, but it really should have been a short.

Jury Duty – Edouard Niermans – France

Written by Didier Le Pêcheur (News From the Good Lord), this made-for-TV film was a great premise. A man murders a young girl, and gets away with it. Due to circumstances of the times in 60′s France, a young Algerian is convicted of the crime. The real murderer has to be on the jury during the trial. It’s almost Lifetime movie stuff, but the script is smart and the plot points and conclusion are genuinely convincing. It’s a solid film that has much more to it then just the summary.

A Beautiful Person – Christophe Honoré – France

A very French romance. Love and affairs between partners at a college. Students and students, teachers and teachers, teachers and students. It’s an uninteresting romp filled with vain uninteresting characters. When the drama gets heavy, I was too disenchanted with the characters to care. The Nick Drake soundtrack was interesting, but thats about it.

Before the Fall – F. Javier Gutierrez – Spain

It starts off with a promising premise.  A meteor is going to destroy Earth in three days. Riots and craziness happen as the public panics. In a remote Spanish town, a family is awaiting the arrival of a child-killer who escaped from jail and is coming for revenge against the one who got him captured. Unfortunately, the film devolves into a slasher flick and makes many odd choices on its way to an unfulfilling climax. It also had too many power zooms.

Burning Plain – Guillermo Arriaga – USA

Arriaga’s trademark screenplay structure is at work here in his directorial debut. This time, his low-key style works even better than Innurita’s in your face melodrama. The screenplay is solid and reveals information slowly and at the right time. The story follows a few different people from all walks of life, and goes back and forth in time until a complete picture is made. Very well done.

The Equation of Love and Death – Cao Baoping- China

A woman is obsessed with the boyfriend who left her 4 years ago. She is a cabdriver who keeps pictures of him and thinks there may be some code in the letters he has been sending. Things take a turn when she is kidnapped by some passengers. This film was all over the place. The kidnapping has nothing to do the with the plot. The missing boyfriend story is strange and senseless and the ending has no real value. A good performance by the main character is wasted.

My Dear Enemy – Lee Yoon-ki – South Korea

A woman finds her exboyfriend and tries to get the money he owes her back. He takes her on a journey to borrow money from other people to do it. This film angered me. It wasn’t bad. The two leads were good, but it was achingly slow. It had a destination, but it took its damn time getting there. Even if it wasn’t my 44th film in a row, I still would just have wanted the movie to end. It didn’t need to take it’s time since it was so predictable.

Rudo y Cursi – Carlos Cuarón – Mexico

Rudo and Cursi are the nicknames or two poor Spanish brothers who get recruited into the wild world of professional Mexican soccer. There meteoric rise to fame, one as a goalkeeper and one as a striker is slightly unpredictable but very entertaining. Everything that happens in this film makes sense, and the characters feel real. A very fun film that doesn’t really bring anything new to the table, but it still feels fresh and interesting anyway.

The Girl From Monaco – Anne Fontaine – France

A criminal lawyer takes on a high-profile murder case, but the drama happens more outside the courtroom than in. He befriends his newly assigned body guard, and falls for a beautiful weather girl who turns his world upside down. It’s an enjoyable comedic romp until it unforunately takes an ill-advised dark turn and ends up in odd territory that doesn’t feel right.

God’s Forgotten Town – Juan Carlos Claver – Spain

A horror film about a town where all the residents dissappeared 50 years ago. A small TV crew is sent in to do story and gets wrapped up in a story involving ghosts, nazis and a holy relic. It’s not as good as it sounds. The story is uninspired and the direction and style are flawed. It had a promising opening, but quickly turned into a third-rate horror film.

Bitter & Twisted – Christopher Weekes – Australia

The death of a young man causes problems for his family, and for his girlfriend. This amatuer effort has some good performances, but not much else. The characters are not fleshed out, and those that are have the same stories of characters in hundreds of other films. It has its moments but is ultimately forgettable.

King of Ping Pong – Jens Jonsson – Sweden

Two brothers contend with the snow, their drunk father, their mother, her boyfriend and each other in this slow drama. The overweight older brother is the best ping pong player at the rec center, but he still gets picked on. The younger brother is a ladies man who is clearly the apple of his father’s eye. He seems to have it made. Unfortunately, the older brother finds out a secret that can change all that. This meandering film loses its focus after the first few minutes and never really regains it. The two leads are good, but the film has no footing and goes on way too long.

Emodiment of Evil – José Mojica Marins – Brazil

Coffin Joe! Those familiar with the first three Coffin Joe films from the 60′s and 70′s will be happy to see the titular horror icon is back. This film starts when Coffin Joe is let out of jail after 40 years. He quickly gets a gang together and sets out to make himself a son. The film is full of the expectied surreal and graphic elements. It’s a good mix of modern sets, slick gore, and Coffin Joe’s old-school horror charm. A worthy conclusion(?) to a seminal horror franchise.