Tarsem Singh, USA, 2011, 110 min.

Immortals is the story of the ancient Greeks, and the mortal battle for an immortal weapon: the Epirus Bow. King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) scours the country in search of it so he can release the Titans, a group of vanquished gods that lost a heavenly war. Henry Cavill plays Theseus, a mortal peasant who was unknowingly taught by Zeus and may be the only thing stopping the king from completing his task.

The bow is very cool or course, and any mad power-crazed king would love to have it. I understand that. But why does the king want to release the Titans? It’s unclear. Whatever the reason, the currents gods don’t want that to happen, but they are banned by Zeus from interfering with mortal affairs. So they watch, on the edge of their seats, as the King gets closer and closer to the bow and the Titans.

Mixed up in all of this is the virgin oracle, (Freida Pinto), who can see the future and may know the location of the bow. The plot is straightforward, but the motivations and the specifics are very muddled. Why are people doing the things they do? Why are they going the places they go? Why don’t they do these other, more simple or more logical things instead?

The movie does have some cool images (dark, murky CGI, but still), and the fights are great (especially when the gods join in). But everything else is working against the film. Fans of Tarsem’s excellent The Fall will not be pleased, but fans of the inane 300 probably will.

This film wins the award for “Most Anachronistic Actor”for Mickey Rourke playing an ancient Greek. Sorry Mr. Rourke, you were evil and creepy in your role but I just couldn’t picture you in ancient times.

Kevin Smith, USA, 2011, 96 min.

Red State is a conundrum. Going in, I thought I had the film pegged. A trio of teenagers, lured with the promise of sex, get captured by a crazed preacher and his cult of ultra-conservatives. A not-so-veiled reference to the Westboro Baptist Church. There, during a church ceremony, they are readied for a sacrifice.

It’s a standard horror setup with a religious cult gimmick. You can guess where the film would go from there, but Kevin Smith turns it on its head. Not once, but twice. It felt like I was watching three different movies.

That being said, I’m not sure exactly what Kevin Smith was going for. Yes, the first part has a clear message. Beyond that the first two sections are standard genre exercises.and uninspiring. The last section is intriguing and unconventional but ultimately unrewarding.

Actually, that is a good way to describe Red State. I admire Kevin Smith for trying something different but it just doesn’t work.

This film wins the award “Worst Church” for one very close to what we have in the world today.

Frank Henenlotter, USA, 1990, 85 min.

We open on a brain in a jar. A brain with an eyeball. One of Jeffrey Franken’s experiments he works on at the kitchen table. This doesn’t make much sense but quickly sets the tone of the film: unrealistic but gleefully bizarre.

After a lawnmower accident kills Jeffrey’s fiance he turns his nervous brilliant energy to bringing her back to life, Frankenstein’s monster style. But due to the graphic nature of her untimely demise, he needs to get some other female body parts to make her whole again.

So where can he buy good-looking female parts? What happens next is a fantastic and humorous mix of bizarre ideas, incredible ad-libing, and just-right special effects. The screenplay is tight and the characters are memorable.

 It’s rare that a film with such a story can remain fun and light instead of dark and sleazy. Credit has to go to the writers, the director, and the great performance by James Lorinz. The story is broad and offensive, but the great surprise of Frankenhooker is that the film is just the opposite.

Thanks to Crystal Plumage I was able to see this flim in the theater with a Q&A and intro by Frank Henenlotter, in person. It was part of a great double feature with Basket Case. Check out Crysal Plumage’s Facebook for a list of upcoming screenings!

This film wins the award “Best Newscast” for the hilarious reporting of the unfortunate lawnmower accident. I love the police officer trying to count the body parts.

Tod Williams, USA, 2010, 91 min.

There is something deepy terrifying about having a demon attached, not to the house you live in, but to you. No matter where you go, that demon will be with you, physically and spiritually, and will torment you for the rest of your life. There is nothing you could do to stop it.

That is the premise of the first Paranormal Activity, which told the film through the gimmick of “actual footage” of in-movie cameras, both hand-held and stationary. It was an effective little low-budget horror film (only $15,000) , which was smart enough to take its time and avoid shakey cam.

The sequel has the same gimmick (but the budget was $3 million, how does that happen?) It also destroys the terrifying hook of the first film by inventing a stupid backstory for the demon and a way to link this film to the first. There was no need to explain things, the idea mentioned above is scary enough as it is.

That being said, it also takes a very long time to get to some actual tension. The number of each night in the film is noted on the screen and it isn’t until Night #11 that something significant actually happens. It’s the rare time when I wanted a film to stop building mood and actually get to a payoff.

This was a film that had no reason being made except to get some quick bucks. You always hope in those situations that the director will take the opportunity to make the film his or her own, or at least to do something new. That wasn’t the case.

Rumor has it that Brian De Palma was at one point approached to direct. Now that would have been something to see.

This film wins the award “Biggest Waste of  Three Million Dollars.” Seriously? This movie cost that much money? Dead Alive only cost $2.5 and look at the difference!

Lucky McKee, USA, 2011, 101 min.

A hunter gazes through his scope at the woman: Young, dirty, a wild animal. She is in no way attractive, covered in grime and open wounds, but he sees past that to the sexual beast he knows she is. You can feel that he has to have her.

For that scene to work you have to believe the character of the hunter, in actuality a well-off family man with a wife and three kids, is capable of those thoughts and deeds. The opening of the film sets that up well. We see him in his life, normal on the outside, but with undercurrents of something sinister. The face of his poor wife and eldest daughter show more than they are letting on.

So when he captures the woman and locks her up in the storm cellar for “rehabilitation”, and when the family is a bit surprised but goes along with it, you believe it. Because of the tone of the script and the subtlety involved in setting this up, you can buy into the film.

If that strong opening gave the film-makers some leeway, they soon squander it. Things go along well for awhile: some disturbing scenes, tension-building, mystery surrounding true motivations, etc. But at some point the story doesn’t know what to do next. Characters perform strange actions and a reveal comes that was unearned.

The movie would have been better served concentrating on the family scenes with the domineering father: the scary Sean Bridgers. Or concentrating on the daughter and her dynamic with the young hip high school teacher: the very cool Carlee Baker.

But instead we get something made to shock us. But in this day and age, when potential shock is everywhere you look, I want something more than the standard gore/torture film. Unfortunately, after a promising opening, that is all The Woman has to offer.

This film wins the award “Coolest High School Teacher” for Carlee Barker playing a teacher any highschooler would love to have.